Happiness is hard to find and once you have it, it's even harder to hold on to. At some point in my life if you asked me I'd say sure I'm happy, I got a beer, a smoke, a smile what else do you want from me? If I got really drunk I'd tell you I'm so happy I could die. But eventually you end up with a hangover, a bump on your knee and you've lost your phone. To stay happy... Fuck, I don't know.
I didn't give much thought to life and happiness or anything like that. I just figured as long as nothing bad happens, it would all be ok. The first time I started to really worry about it, I was on the ferry coming back from Bondi and I was leaning on the edge smoking a cigarette when this lady came over to ask me for my light. She would have been about 45 I can't remember what she was wearing but she seemed wealthy to me. As she lit her yellow cigarette I opened my mouth to say the first thing that popped in which would have been - ''what the fuck is that ?" Relating to her smoke. But before I made a fool of myself, before I made no mistake about being a bogan westie. She dropped my lighter in the harbour. "Oh, I'm so sorry." She said. "That's ok" I laugh. ''Just a cheep bic.'' She started to fish around in her hand bag while I told her not to worry about it. Then pulled out a $2 coin and handed it to me. As I turned back to the sea I reached out my hand and dropped the coin into the water. I looked back at the woman and her face told me she was thinking, oh you little shit, too proud to take my money? But I smiled at her and said ''I made a wish.'' ''Really?'' She said. ''What did you wish for?'' Shit I thought, I didn't really make one. I looked into the water and tried to think of something. What would I have wished for? ''I guess I wished to be happy". I said. Instantly feeling like I'd just read that off a hallmark card. I was thinking, if she says anything cliché I'll just smile, don't roll your eyes, you started it you dick. But she didn't say anything for a while, just stared out at the sea. When she'd finished her yellow cigarette she pulled out another coin and dropped it in the water. "Me to" she said, looking a little sad as she walked away. It was kind of a sombre moment.
Shit ryan, why do you have to depress people? Why couldn't I have said something cheerful? No one wants to be bummed out on a ferry on such a nice day. I always seem to go dropping emotional bombs on un expecting people. I'm not meaning to be a dick. I'm not out to hurt anybody. But if you're too careful you'll probably never say anything real.
Everyone has emotional baggage and talking about it or even thinking about it makes us feel like shit so no one wants to address any of their problems, we just take a deep breath, push it to the back of our heads and keep on trucking. Others seem to dwell on their issues for too long and never get anywhere with it. Feeling sorry for yourself is pointless really, if we look deep inside ourselves and find something we're not happy with than we should be looking to change it. If you're not willing to do that then you may as well throw yourself in the harbour because you'll never really be happy.
I guess all types of people from all walks of life can be unhappy, it might be the last thing we address, the last thing we try to attain. I look at my father, I don't think he's happy. He's worked all his life, got up early every day. People will say this is something to be respected like I should aspire to be like him and in a way I do respect it but that's not what I want. He's worked all his life but I don't think he's worked on himself at all. No... he's not happy, I can see it on his face.
Why is that? He's got a wife, a family, a career, so why does he act so depressed? Why doesn't any of this stuff make him happy? He probably thought it would or maybe he just fell into this life without thinking about it. Ether way he's given up on ever getting there.
Talking about happiness is hard without sounding like a hippy or a nut job huh?
I got hooked on video games for a while, it took my mind off the trouble in my life and the noise in my head. Lots of people have found this cool new drug and it's pretty powerful. It gave me a sense of achievement, something I wasn't getting in my real life. It was as powerful an addiction as any drug, especially when you feel like you're good at something, like you're winning something. If you asked me why or how I stopped playing I couldn't tell you, I just stopped one day and haven't picked it up again. I don't want to live in a world of fantasy where you're as happy as you can be, but you're completely deluding yourself, I like being sane. So do I. Ok, so maybe being sane is over rated. If I was completely insane but happy and I didn't know the difference, what would be the difference? If a neuroscientist put your brain in a vat of liquid and gave you a fake life through electrical impulses, like the matrix movie but where you would be totally happy and safe. Would you want to stay there or would you take the red pill? Would you prefer the cold reality or would you prefer the perfect lie?
I'm sure lots of people would be a lot happier with a fake life, maybe more than who are happy with this one. But... I don't have much faith in anything, but I do have faith in people, I think it's our destiny to get this life thing right. I don't think we're a doomed species at all. You and me will definitely be long dead by that time, and we'll never get there if we don't try. Still, I feel very much connected to humanity and I see the good in people. To give up on them is like giving up on yourself.
How do I get it then? What do I do? Well... I'm not sure yet . But at least I'm trying, I'm looking for whatever it is that's going to make me happy. Why should I get stuck now? I don't have any real responsibilities. I may as well find it now right? I think I made that decision along time ago, I remember how depressed my parents were and thinking how scary it would be to get stuck in a job, a relationship, a life you're not happy with. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams and any minute I'm going to fly far, far away from here.
I'll send you a post card.
Peace out.
