Call It A Life

I think I went about this blog thing the wrong way. See; I started out delving too deep into my puny little brain. I feel sometimes writing is like doing stand-up. As a comic, you can't go strait up on stage and start saying crazy shit from the get go. You gotta ease into it by letting the audience get to know you with your opening material.

 So let me talk a bit about myself. First of all I wasn't just raised on TV I was raised by TV, that and my overactive imagination. While my mother was chronically depressed and my father has always been ... Well I call it "emotionally checked out" as in physically he's right there but emotionally he's a million miles away. He's not a bad guy, we just never really talked. As a kid I played by myself and day dreamt A LOT. Day dreaming was my defence mechanism for the crushing depression of my parents shitty disposition. But I was determined to not become one of them.

 No wait that's not right, determined is not the right word, I wasn't determined to be different from my parents it just wasn't me, that's never been me. I have my fathers eyes an skin, my mothers height an hair but that's where the similarities end. Everything else is mine.  So I on the other hand wanted to be funny, likable, friendly, interesting, witty and I figured everyone else would want to be all these things too. Now I'm not saying I am all that funny, interesting, likable or witty but hey I'm trying so give me a break. One thing I am though is friendly. That's the one thing where if you want it, you can have it.

In primary school I was fairly well liked and popular because of my clowning , but in the classroom I fell into that same pattern of day dreaming. Somehow I managed to make it to high school without learning to read and write. Which was a huge sense of embarrassment for me. Thankfully my inability to read paralleled nicely with the Richmond High School policy of don't ask don't tell. So I hid my shame like a survivor of  incest, except that I was raped by my own short attention span. My only salvation was my sense of humour an sports.

 By the time I left school (kicked out with no year10 certificate) I was drinking and doing drugs everyday and pretty much fell off the radar with anyone who was making something of themselves because I felt like a pathetic dumb shit that knew and did nothing. At some point my stupidity started to really get to me, so I decided to teach myself everything I wanted to know through the internet. Everything I know now I owe to the net, countless scraps of useless information from historical events and figures, science and the universe, crazy documentaries and the ideas of so many people whom I would have never been exposed to. I'm extremely fortunate to be living in this age of information, we all are!

 Up until 200 or so years ago people could go their whole lives and there would have been absolutely no new inventions that could have any affect on them at all. But today it seems every few weeks something new and cool comes out that changes the game completely from GPS and iphone apps that can translate foreign languages to 12volt vibrating vaginas that can... No wait, never mind.

 What I'm trying to say is that before the internet came around and you had a question, you'd have to go to a library. If you couldn't find a book with the answer or you lived too far away from a city, then you were fucked. Now, it literally takes five seconds to look up anything you can think of and get the general consensus or as close to the right answer as you can get. Fuck I love it!

I think everything we're interested in makes us who we are. Unless you're one of those people who might look cool but have the personality of a piece of dry wall. If you're not passionate about anything other than the way you look then your a boring person, whatever shitty style you're rocking I'm cool with it as long as that's who you really are and not some ploy to take everyone's focus off your lame personality. You don't fool me with that peacock strategy.

Getting back to myself, I'd like to report that my mother got on anti-depressants and I don't know anyone who medication has helped more than her an Magic Johnson. It was a radical change she's actually a happy person now. My father is still a shadow and does anything he can to avoid eye contact, but one out of two ain't bad. I still drink on the weekend and smoke weed every couple of days, but I've never really been addicted hardcore on anything. I think the drugs I took were for the same reason every addict takes drugs - to get your mind off your shitty life. But getting off drugs for me was fairly easy, I just stopped hating my life and so didn't feel like getting fucked up everyday anymore.

The best thing for me is that I've found what I want to do, I want to be a writer, I know weird right? Weird that some chump that left school as a semi illiterate kid who had never read a book now wants to write one. Having a goal has given me a real sense of purpose, one I've been lacking my hole life. I know it's not changing the world or curing cancer but it's enough to make me happy. On that note, I'll leave you with this tip (cue the inspirational music while you're reading it) Change feels bad at the beginning. "I just got dumped by my girlfriend, I'm moving , I'm going to a new school, I'm starting a new job, this is horrible!" Change always feels scary. Because its unknown, And we're scared of the unknown. That's what freaks us out. We build our world around the known. This is my job, this is my house, this is my life. When this gets interrupted it scares the shit out of us, but it's usually for the best . When you think about the lives where there is no change, they're the lives most unlived. Like the guy that's been a postal carrier for sixty one years and lives in the house he grew up in. That's the opposite of change. Change is growth. That's how you measure your life, it's the rings in your tree. Sure it can be bad temporarily, you're out of a job, your home, your relationship. But eventually you don't think -  I with I still worked there or lived there or was still with her. If you look in the rearviewmirror , you'll realize you're happier and better for that experience. I'm talking about real change, not a hair cut or new pair of shoes. But getting out of your comfort zone an into the world.

I've wasted too much of my life being afraid of change. I guess it's one more trait I got from my parents.... or maybe that fear is mine and mine alone. You can't blame everything you don't like about yourself on someone else. You're not where you come from, you're who ever the fuck you wanna be.

So that's me, nice to meet you.

Social Skynet: Rise of the Sociopathic Narcissistic Drama Queen.

I've always suspected computer networks would cause the ultimate destruction of humanity. I just figured they'd become super-intelligent first. Instead, we have social networks which act as a personality X-ray: I suddenly see through the interesting people my friends pretend to be to the shallow LOLing, Farmville players underneath. With one look at these social networks you'll find they're a bigger threat to society than Skynet from Terminator. At least the rise of those machines forced us to band together and shoot stuff. Social behaviour could be shifting due to these networking sites to a point where pretty quickly we’ll all have to assess how we monitor our own fucked up behaviour and growing personality disorders.

Narcissism is excessive self-love, dilutions of grandeur, inflated self-importance and unjustified feelings of entitlement. Along with pornography, planking and trillions of photo's of cats, it’s the primary active ingredient for the Internet.

Posting huge amounts of information on your profile page is both perceived as a narcissistic move and probably more common among narcissists. A typical interaction on a social networking site is like a whirlwind of self-obsession: You think you're just filling out a profile, but others assume you're a narcissist for expecting anyone to care about your twenty favourite quotes and movies despite doing the exact same thing themselves. Everyone's thinking; Look at this dripping sponge of self absorption talking about things that aren't me. As if you would lmao. Meanwhile, people viewing your profile encourage your narcissism. For instance, another big trend is the provocative pictures. When chicks show some cleavage or something that's one thing, chicks are supposed to be hot, but now dudes are starting to look like boyband album covers on their profile photos. Don't guy's care about being seen as a poser anymore? You're not fooling anyone by casually posting pictures like that. We realize you desperately want people to stare at you. (and we desperately want to see it)

A callous lack of empathy can be found both in a sociopath and a viral youtube comment section for a video titled "shattered testicles." Interacting with a monitor and keyboard means people feel less empathy. Which shouldn't be a surprise as Facebook started after Mark Zuckerberg hacked female students collage profiles and sent their photo's to everyone at the collage asking people to rate their looks; the result? Brutally honest opinions by a bunch of collage kids and a lot of upset chicks at band practice :( We also sometimes don't bother pretending to be nice, which is a pity, because "pretending to be nice" is pretty much what made the non-warring part of human history possible.

The only hope for humanity could be from entertaining quotes, as people who post funny material online are normally the opposite of narcissistic. Which might mean; if you don't think you're inherently worth looking at, you try to be funny instead. I now understand stand-up comedy.

And people haven’t totally lost their capacity for empathy on the internet but I will if (Username) ''just did something they regret'' without any further details or information. These kinds of posts are inevitably followed by dozens of comments like "OMG what happened?" "I hope you're okay" "I'm praying for you" and it just goes on and on. Back in the good old days, a true friend would never leave a message saying "This sux :(..." or "I just did something..." and leave it at that. These kinds of messages would have annoyed our grandparents and be met with accusations of immaturity. In other words: "Hey, it's me. Don't bloody leave vague messages and get me all worried you little drama queen!

We somehow need to figure out how to use these social tools without losing our moral standards and personalities. Or maybe we've always been this bad. Either way I gotta take a photo of my six pack to fit in with the facebook crowd.

Peace.

Fake A Wish

Happiness is hard to find and once you have it, it's even harder to hold on to. At some point in my life if you asked me I'd say sure I'm happy, I got a beer, a smoke, a smile what else do you want from me? If I got really drunk I'd tell you I'm so happy I could die. But eventually you end up with a hangover, a bump on your knee and you've lost your phone. To stay happy... Fuck, I don't know.

I didn't give much thought to life and happiness or anything like that. I just figured as long as nothing bad happens, it would all be ok. The first time I started to really worry about it, I was on the ferry coming back from Bondi and I was leaning on the edge smoking a cigarette when this lady came over to ask me for my light. She would have been about 45 I can't remember what she was wearing but she seemed wealthy to me. As she lit her yellow cigarette I opened my mouth to say the first thing that popped in which would have been - ''what the fuck is that ?" Relating to her smoke. But before I made a fool of myself, before I made no mistake about being a bogan westie. She dropped my lighter in the harbour. "Oh, I'm so sorry." She said. "That's ok" I laugh. ''Just a cheep bic.'' She started to fish around in her hand bag while I told her not to worry about it. Then pulled out a $2 coin and handed it to me. As I turned back to the sea I reached out my hand and dropped the coin into the water. I looked back at the woman and her face told me she was thinking, oh you little shit, too proud to take my money? But I smiled at her and said ''I made a wish.'' ''Really?'' She said. ''What did you wish for?'' Shit I thought, I didn't really make one. I looked into the water and tried to think of something. What would I have wished for? ''I guess I wished to be happy". I said. Instantly feeling like I'd just read that off a hallmark card. I was thinking, if she says anything cliché I'll just smile, don't roll your eyes, you started it you dick. But she didn't say anything for a while, just stared out at the sea. When she'd finished her yellow cigarette she pulled out another coin and dropped it in the water. "Me to" she said, looking a little sad as she walked away. It was kind of a sombre moment.

 Shit ryan, why do you have to depress people? Why couldn't I have said something cheerful? No one wants to be bummed out on a ferry on such a nice day. I always seem to go dropping emotional bombs on un expecting people. I'm not meaning to be a dick. I'm not out to hurt anybody. But if you're too careful you'll probably never say anything real.

Everyone has emotional baggage and talking about it or even thinking about it makes us feel like shit so no one wants to address any of their problems, we just take a deep breath, push it to the back of our heads and keep on trucking. Others seem to dwell on their issues for too long and never get anywhere with it. Feeling sorry for yourself is pointless really, if we look deep inside ourselves and find something we're not happy with than we should be looking to change it. If you're not willing to do that then you may as well throw yourself in the harbour because you'll never really be happy.

I guess all types of people from all walks of life can be unhappy, it might be the last thing we address, the last thing we try to attain. I look at my father, I don't think he's happy. He's worked all his life, got up early every day. People will say this is something to be respected like I should aspire to be like him and in a way I do respect it but that's not what I want. He's worked all his life but I don't think he's worked on himself at all. No... he's not happy, I can see it on his face.

Why is that? He's got a wife, a family, a career, so why does he act so depressed? Why doesn't any of this stuff make him happy? He probably thought it would or maybe he just fell into this life without thinking about it. Ether way he's given up on ever getting there.

Talking about happiness is hard without sounding like a hippy or a nut job huh?

I got hooked on video games for a while, it took my mind off the trouble in my life and the noise in my head. Lots of people have found this cool new drug and it's pretty powerful. It gave me a sense of achievement, something I wasn't getting in my real life. It was as powerful an addiction as any drug, especially when you feel like you're good at something, like you're winning something. If you asked me why or how I stopped playing I couldn't tell you, I just stopped one day and haven't picked it up again. I don't want to live in a world of fantasy where you're as happy as you can be, but you're completely deluding yourself, I like being sane. So do I. Ok, so maybe being sane is over rated. If I was completely insane but happy and I didn't know the difference, what would be the difference? If a neuroscientist put your brain in a vat of liquid and gave you a fake life through electrical impulses, like the matrix movie but where you would be totally happy and safe. Would you want to stay there or would you take the red pill? Would you prefer the cold reality or would you prefer the perfect lie?

I'm sure lots of people would be a lot happier with a fake life, maybe more than who are happy with this one. But... I don't have much faith in anything, but I do have faith in people, I think it's our destiny to get this life thing right. I don't think we're a doomed species at all. You and me will definitely be long dead by that time, and we'll never get there if we don't try. Still, I feel very much connected to humanity and I see the good in people. To give up on them is like giving up on yourself.

How do I get it then? What do I do? Well... I'm not sure yet . But at least I'm trying, I'm looking for whatever it is that's going to make me happy. Why should I get stuck now? I don't have any real responsibilities. I may as well find it now right? I think I made that decision along time ago, I remember how depressed my parents were and thinking how scary it would be to get stuck in a job, a relationship, a life you're not happy with. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams and any minute I'm going to fly far, far away from here.

I'll send you a post card.

Peace out.